radmad.ca

happy birthday to you



love
do you remember when i came to see you
in 1984
you sang to me in the dark
while i waved a candle
to light up our love?

i wore green cords and a cream sweater



happy birthday my sweet
do you remember when my dad
had lunch with your sister
and i wrote you a note
expressing my undying love
and asked you to please send me a pair
of your sunglasses?



it's okay
i know you had to keep them for your next show



love
do you remember when i joined your fan club
and you sent me updates on where you would be playing
in hopes i might join up with you
in a lonely town?



love
do you remember that lonely night
when i was weak
and took another boy home
for a one night stand
because he reminded me of you?



happy birthday to the only boy
who could always put tingles
in my box

From: Neaters
To: Sarah _ Radmad
Subject: problem solved!!
Date: Wed, 30 May 2007 12:28:04 -0400

hey you

i was catching up on my daily dose of dish and am happy to hear that i'm not alone in my plight against fruit flies. i mean come on ... I don't even have f'n fruit in my damn house, so what the hell is up with that shit!!

Anyhow, i found this on the internet and tried it last year, and it worked like a charm:

---------------------------

1. Get a small jar you don't plan on using again ( like a baby food jar or something similar ) and wash it out well. Make sure it is not a jar with a funky smell such as a used pickle jar or anything that use to have strong spices.

2. Take a chunk of banana and place inside the jar. This is why you want a clean, odorless jar - so that the banana smell won't be overpowered by other not-so-tempting smells. Banana seems to work the best, but you can experiment.

3. Fit a piece of plastic wrap over the top of the jar, making sure that it fits tight and well sealed around the edges. Then take a pen or pencil and poke 4 to 5 holes in the plastic, just big enough for a fruit fly to fit into. Once a fruit fly crawls in, it can't get out. You would think they would just fly back out through the holes, but they won't!

4. Place the jar in an area where you have seen the most fruit flies. Depending on the amount of fruit flies you have, you can expect to start seeing the jar fill up within just a few hours.

happy hunting sunshine

cheers,
Anita.

_____________________________________________________________________________

From: radmad
To: neaters
Subject: problem solved!!
Date: Wed, 30 May 2007 12:48:04 -0400


i believe in history textbooks this would be comparable to the nazi gas chambers.

thanks for the idea though hitler.



:)

first moths
now these little fuk'n bugs
have infestated my appartment
they are sticking to things
and dying on lamps





i just wish the litte squatters paid me rent
at $1 per bug
i'd be living the good life

who the fuk
sends out a bridal shower invitation
that has an RSVP number
with no voicemail?

well
i can tell you who...

the chick throwing the bride's shower
that's who

i jinx myself



my good karma somehow always manages
to notify my bad karma
that it is falling behind

last weekend i offered to drive the elderly lady up the street
to emergency at toronto east general
because she had twisted her ankle
and was already on disability
and couldn't afford the cab ride
and i got a thirty dollar parking ticket

three or so weekends ago
i bring upstairs from the basement
a box of old pictures
letters
and memories
so that a dear love of the past
who was contained in the boxes
could turn around and break down a piece of me

i sometimes wonder if my brazen
and unabashed
distaste for idiocy
makes me the proponent of my own solitude



sometimes i loathe it
but its when i consider the alternative
that i remember why i tolerate it

that above
is how i burned off
that below







if there was a "beach frisbee for drunks" league
i would have to be appointed the Commissioner

this is the blooper reel

the one where radmad approaches
a hot runner dude
and asks him if he wants to play with her

you will see
that it is a short story


sigh

prepare to be amazed....







radmad cooks

but just this once

on tonight's menu is
cabbage soup with a myriad of vegetables
and lean chicken

followed by a play on cheesecake
whereby ricotta is blended with sugar
and doused with a strawberry and blueberry puree
and topped off with a bigass gob
of homemade whipped cream flavoured with vanilla
and gently blended with love

yeah
i'm pretty sure i had you after vanilla

okay
if i die
please make me die on a sunday night
so that my visitation
and funeral and shit
falls mid week

having to go to sadness
and blackness
and tears
on the eve of a weekend
and during the weekend
is not condusive
to actually having an opportunity
to enjoy
said weekend

my boss's mom passed away on wednesday
so today
her and i went for lunch
and we shared a bottle of wine
and did blowjob shots

she is feeling better
about her mother passing
and well



i am hoping that this mint
hides the fact that i'm buzzing
faster than a bee on roids

and i have to see clients tonight
which normally i'm very okay with
in a social setting
but i think this can be dubbed
as the complete opposite
and moreso as the anti-social setting

so i will likely be awkward
and uncomfortable

yeah
i'm hoping that maybe tomorrow
i will wake and be all growned up

turns out the new neighbours
in our duplex
are too much fun
i foresee many late
and many liquid
nights

in other news

i think
the fuk'n moth
told all his buddies
about the cool pad
that he's crashed at

and one of them
had big enough balls
to jump in the shower with me
i think he got soap in his eyes though
cause he flew into the curtain lots
before embarking on a counter clockwise spiral
into oblivion

i'm surprised that fireworks
haven't been banned yet
due to emmission of carcinogenic particles
into the air

pretty soon
public pressure will make shooting off fireworks
as frowned upon
as washing your car with good ol' fashioned dish soap
in the driveway

now bills have been passed
requiring shampoon
and makeup companies to list ingredients
due to cancer causing contents

we have to pump ourselves with vitamin capsules
because our veggies are so modified
that they contain only a minute fraction
of the nutrition they used to

we can't sit in the sun
we can't swim in the lake
we can't drink the water
we can't expect freshwater fish to be here
in 50 years
and we can't see the stars

but we can be thankful
that scientists now encourage us to eat chocolate
in moderation
for the benefit of our health

dark chocolate

but hey
i won't discriminate on the basis of colour


oh and in other news
there is a bigass moth in my appartment
with a death wish

smothered in goosebumps
the end would get her every time

the fact that i took this picture
while driving
is impressive



the fact that i am striking a pose
backwards
not facing the road
while driving the notorious b.u.g

again is impressive


perhaps for my next trick
i will just close my eyes all together




wendi looks like natalie portman

i think that a good job to have
would be professional scab picker

how fun

it might be right up there
with back zit popping specialist



i mean can you even call that work?

probably wasn't a good idea
to put tanning gel on
in the almost dark
half asleep
and keep on all night
while in bed

just sayin

this is where i be sunday morn
runnin the 21k half marathon

and i have sufficienty convinced myself
that as part of my race eve prep
i must consume a half litre
of red wine

this excerpt from radmad's upcoming bestseller
"How to Train Wrecked"
is brought to you by a delicious australian
cab sauv

dank and his hot wife are in ottawa
day before departure
hot wife: "can you look after fred?"
radmad: "who the fuk is fred?"

okay everybody
meet fred



problem now is
i might not make it home tonight
can fish go 36 hours with no food pellets?

or am i making a pitstop
at petsmart
on my way home
with a picture of fred
in my pocket

pretty girl
pretty mom
pretty baby



pretty damn cool dad



we are going
to be yanking Dora stickers
from every crevice
of our bodies
for days and days





girls can become partners
and mothers
and new home owners
and beach bums
and the one thing that never
changes through the years
is the underlying look
of deviance in their eyes

xoxo

happy birthday dank
you're old
you're bold
you're fun
and cool

you're trez kind
and genuine
both when sobre
and when trippin on wine

you're here to stay
in my crazy life
both you
your dogs
and you're uber hot wife



















aliens have largely dilated pupils



AND MORE FUN!