radmad.ca: August 2004

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

bent metal cries

so there is big bucks in clothes
i could have made a killing
i wish i had have known
that you can take your
previously enjoyed attire
to a consignment shop
and they will give you money
cash for shit
yip
i woulda been rich

cause i'm a good barterer
i know this
because i'm a good arguer
same shit
different day

i have thrown out tons
and oodles and mountains
of clothes as of late
enough to make a small country
look trendah

then i coulda turned around
and bought MORE
and spent enough for visa
to put me on a frequent charger program
and maybe even invite me
to their employee christmas dinner
so their employees could thank me
for their paycheques
and their job security
and their visa shareholders
could stroke my hair and say
thanks for making us rich
so that we can turn around and spend money
on kickass funky consignment clothes
that some urbanite crazy chick didn't want

but i have done neither
i have hangers
and they are screaming
they better shutup soon
there are lots
and they are bare
the little bastards
are starting to bitch that it's
gonna be cold soon

posted by radmad

kick up your heels

sometimes when you set out
for a place undiscovered
and foreign
you find yourself in a
world
that was maybe not meant to be found
we were welcomed in
but we were different
travelling across the water
by ferry
we were drawn to the sounds
of guitar and drums
and laughter
and the pitter patter of
dancing feet on a wooden floor
girls were loving girls
and boys were fondling boys
the 5th annual jamboree
had sought us out
and we drifted towards it
we stayed
took off our coats
and swung around in merriment
beer in hand

even the rum was gay

posted by radmad

i broke down and read your blog

Dear Sally,

I think I saw you in Venice this once.

I snapped a picture.

You ran.

I wandered.

by Kyle A.M.

posted by radmad

32

went to the drake
on friday eve
floated in
on a cloud of liquid eutopia
wore my cowboy hat
of course
was that you
leaning against the bar
glazed over
mr perfect projection of beauty
wasn't there
the cock is fascinated
i think he's too pretty
at capacity they claimed
dropped a card
and raced up the stairs

felt spinny the next day
so we made the bitch drive

posted by radmad

Monday, August 30, 2004

cosmic

falling stars on the small of her back

by sean sinn

posted by radmad

Friday, August 27, 2004

elvis olympics

i win the gold

posted by radmad

nostalgia

at one moment in time
belinda carlise
was mad about him

i wonder if she still feels
the same way

god damn i hope so

posted by radmad

shoot for the stars big boy

rocket robin hood
was years and years
ahead of his time

apparantly
he was also into male 3-ways

god bless the rocketman!

KAZAAM

posted by radmad

i wanna be a pro librarian

so apparantly they have a course
in college
sheridan for sure
that gives you a
library technician degree
yeah
ummmmm
what?

who wants to be a librarian any more
i mean i can see you considering that
way back when you would actually
consult a book when doing research
or finding out about that wierd bump on your back
or that funky smell in your mouth
or how to build a house
or how to start a world war
or how penquins iron their suits
but come on
who goes to a library any more?

posted by radmad

Thursday, August 26, 2004

we interupt your boring day

i have big plans
to get you all laid

stay tuned

posted by radmad

tiger stripes and lace

hookers are people too
they just had a rougher go in life
it's not what they want to do
it's maybe a way to stay
even a breath above water
it's sad when i see women
who have still a glitter
behind droopy stale eyes
and frail dirty bodies

they strut down the street
flaunting
they are loud
their clothes are loud
but they are so much the opposite
so broken
like second string actresses
that will never play the lead

posted by radmad

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

the big rejection

this guy did not like me
AT ALL

he said nothing when i said "hi"
and he didn't even blink
when i told him his hair was nice
so i'm all like fine fuk'r
but do you wanna buy me a drink
and i waited
and he said nothing
pff
i think he's maybe been hanging around
with too many dik's

posted by radmad

i want a new drug

i got something to say

i hate corporate
i understand that it must exist
and i realize that to some people
it is not just a way of life
but it is their calling

i find it difficult
and tricky
to pretend to give a shit
small talk enervates me
i spend too much time
thinking about what i'd
really want to say

i don't listen
i wait for my turn to speak
because the annoyingness
wacks me on the head so hard
and i wanna say "ow!"

i wore a pretty skirt
and a white dress shirt
with a plastic gold necklace
theirs was real
i mocked
they shocked

i was afraid to chew my lettuce
too loud
like a cow's curd
swash swash
from side to side
i used a knife
i wanted to use my fingers

i asked them about their drives
i didn't care where they lived
or how long they'd been there
today was hard
yesterday worse

the president bragged that
he harboured a bunch
of chocolate treats
in his desk drawer
i sweetly asked if he could bring me some
i was for real
he didn't get it
but rather
he laughed disgustingly with a curled brow
what a funny girl she is
i meant it
bring me some chocolate
you uptight pressed white
shinyshoed
caddyshacked
pencilneck exec

i had to settle for a fruit platter

posted by radmad

Monday, August 23, 2004

fore play

I played a new board game last night
it is called scene it

you watch movie clips
on a dvd
and answer questions
it was fun
mostly because i came back
from a near slaughter
and i almost won
but i answered princess lea
instead of carrie fisher
i dunno
i think i shoulda won
it was close though
so i drowned my sorrows
in a triple chocolate chip cookie
i shouldn't try to win
so hard that people hate me
and want me to loose
because i'm so unbelievably competitive
that when i really do kinda win
they won't let me

i think it should have been a board game mulligan

posted by radmad

pass the salt fatty

so we had lunch
with elvis this weekend

yup it's true

he let me take his foto
but asked that i promise
promise
and pinky swear even
that i not send
it into one of those
fauzfactfart
shit for thought
enquirer mags
so that they could
jam it into yet another
trashy
elvis sighting columns

cause let's face it
if your
enquiring mind
really did want to know
it would read
People instead
ha!

yeah elvis laughed at that one too

posted by radmad

t-off time

this is rob

this is rob's band playing at a keg party
outside
in hickville
at a farm
on saturday
it was good
they were solid
like a rock
or a chevy
or a 10lb chocolate bunny

they are called amped

click here
to see their site
click hard
and click often
if i get enough people
to visit their site
i can get a band
chick tank
apparantly otherwise
i have to buy one
meh
thanks rob
see if i let you
get us all lost
driving the bug
ever ever again!

so yeah
apparantly they're gonna
be really big one day
opening up for sum 41
in september
at the kee to bala

yeah so click already

rock on

posted by radmad

Friday, August 20, 2004

red rayon

this post contains violence, obsurdity and course language

posted by radmad

wait

subtlety is lost on the dense
they're below the surface
ignore them
those who are followers hear it
it's mumbled and blurry
but there is a faint ramble
those who have vision and intuition
see it
with all senses
those are the ones who are hidden
they are below the surface
but wait
they will emerge
and it will be worth it
for they will be the ones
that you will lead you

posted by radmad

the gold nugget

yeah
i'd fuk'n win a gold
like it was a penny
on the street of my life

cause she's the kinda bitch
you don't wanna mess with
a world divider
you don't wanna stand beside her

posted by radmad

editor's notes

yes
i'd like to submit an article please

things that are frustrating me
at this exact moment

the raspberry seed in my back right molar

these little things are god's
way of driving us completely
fuk'n mad
i mean i have claws for nails
and i can't get in there
i've even rammed an unfolded paper clip in
nuthin
maybe if i close my eyes and squeeze hard
i can wish it gone

my boss's love life

she missed our meeting this am
due to a fight fight fight
the gloves were off

her man is a jerk
bottom line
she's absolutely awesome
gorgeous
smart, talented and rich
but she won't lose him

the last time she had
huge love problems
it started to make me miserable
at work
i swear
if you want to be happy and content
in your job
make fukn' sure your boss is getting laid
when she broke up with her last man
she went through withdrawals
so i gave her a vibrator
she gave me a raise

posted by radmad

Thursday, August 19, 2004

knockin' you out like rocky balboa

please excuse
my thespianistic
tendancies

somedays i will be
a crazy asshat

other days
i will be everything you need

posted by radmad

runner on third

okay so for soooome reason
hack hack
cough cough
i need a new hubcap
well not a new one
but one
just a bitta heavy metal
and it goes like this...

now i'm not in the mood to buy one
and my accountant says
i have not the fundage
so
here's a call out
to all you daredevil
quickfinger
black masked chaps

i need a cap stat
for my vw beet
and remember

there will be an honourable
mention somewhere
maybe i'll paint your name
in the sky
or write your name in the sand
or carve it fancy in a tree

and it's okay to steal things
because if it wasn't
do you think there would be
a universal sign for it?
like chyah
no...there wouldn't
so remember

it's okay to steal

now go
and start your adventure
be gone

and remember
it doesn't have to be perfect
and it doesn't have to be new
just satisfactory

thank you

not now antonio

posted by radmad

red tape infusion

i dunno this guy

but i stole him
not his heart
or his soul
or his loose change
but i stole him
sitting there
he doesn't know it
probably doesn't care

he costs $69 US
that's it
what a steal
he dresses fancy
and he's got a cookbook
open there on his desk
which means he must like food
or maybe he cooks real fine
or at least he's maybe good at
writing about cooking

he looks like the kinda guy
you could bring home
to mom
if he keeps quiet about the part
that i stole him
cause if not
i'd have to wrap him up in tape
and keep him in my closet

posted by radmad

is bill board?

so this is my hood
the westside
of the t.dot
and this is the billboard
that is blankly staring
down on said hood

what a waste

i think i'm gonna
call today
to see if i could get my
bloggy blick blog name
in bright lights
SHAZAAAA!

posted by radmad

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

five o'diamonds

this will be me again
soon

watch out ya little pikepeckers
and take cover ya weeny walleye
this chicks bait'n the worm
and reelin y'all in
like a moonlight whore

posted by radmad

pulling petals

so my bitch and i
got separated on our run
on saturday morn
usually she falls back
sniffin and shittin
and then catches up
upon my whistle woo

but on this day
she was no where to be found
i asked noodle body guy
if he'd seen a dog
and guy looking like a chick
with your hair all long in the back
nope
then the daft chinese duo
noticed her running waaaay far
back the way we had come

so i chased
and looked
and yelled
and panicked
i headed home to wake zee cock
and there she was in the hallway

little fuk'r had traveled
at least 1 km home
and not a straight line home
but a curvy and dangerous one
crossed a bridge over
a major highway
and skittled across a
crazy busy intersection
to find the appartment

shit man
this dog would makes the
littlest hobo look like
the littlest homo

posted by radmad

Monday, August 16, 2004

take me to your leader

it would sure as hell
explain lots

do aliens eat their own shit too?

posted by radmad

sugar and saucy

candy is diversifying
like toronto
there is now 5 flavours
of every chocolate bar
kit kat has regular
dark
vanilla
strawberry
orange
blah blah
blah

there are no new ideas
i mean new ones
just make a NEW fukn'
chocolate bar
stop plagerizing the old ones
and adding a different
chemical flavour zap
boring
lame
we need new minds out in
creation land

maybe if all the R&D dorks
smoked some doobies
before their shift
they would envision
crazy new concoctions
and brilliant epiphanies
but instead
they simply add
chemical flavour #574

posted by radmad

tick tock slam the clock

no more picking my bum
and sitting on my nose

the coolass fun frenzy
has no come to an end
all my slackerjack plans
got quashed
i wanted to do lunch with
this person
and yap with that person
and get my hairends nibbled
and sneak out for candy
but no
i got too wrapped up in
slacking
that i never got to my
real dikaround
plans

i need a vacation

posted by radmad

Sunday, August 15, 2004

wanting a handful

this was me yesterday
not quite as good as this guy
i didn't walk on water
but i did wash cars like
it was no one's business
and a shitload of 'em
they kept cummin
and cummin and cummin
i worked a carwash to raise
money for my sis and her
amies
to walk in the
weekend to end breast cancer
people love donating lots of cash
if it means preserving the teet

my cock thinks i should start
my own donation fund
to raise money for a nice
valumptuous set for myself
i'm not completely against that idea
they are so pretty and girlie
and make any shirt look devine

so a donation fund maybe
but i also caught wind that
my hot boss is getting her
silicone C's taken out
doesn't want them any more
in the off chance she didn't
keep the receipt
maybe i'll ask her to bonus them
to me

posted by radmad

Friday, August 13, 2004

she's a firecracker

doesn't the blandness
and sick conventionality
of our blah society
make you want to do something
crazy

you know
do something fuk'd up
make eyes pop
and heads turn
to those who know it's bad
and cause a snicker
in the eyes of those
who already
contempate

let loose
let go
don't give a fuk
be free
and be explosive

make them say

"she's deraaaaanged!"

posted by radmad

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

squatin' to the oldies

i would imagine
being buried in a coffin
is much like pissing in
an outhouse

both are tight as fuk
with no room to move
and you are essentially
sending your rot into the dirt
so that it can go through
it's ecological processes
to eventually seep it's way
into your precious water supply

and if you stay in either
long enough
while not being dead
well you soon will be
unless of course you've gotta
bill to kill

posted by radmad

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

little piggy piggy

apparantly the horseshoe
has been lodged
backwards
and upside down

i tried to do a good
nice deed ce soir
for boner

and well on the way home in the beet
a copper mcgunwaggler
pulled my pretty ass over
and gave me 1/3
of the ticket he coulda

instead of costing me 14
bottles of crown
it's only gonna cost me 5

silly me didn't renew my sticka
since january
also didn't change my license
addy
and my ownership deets

final tally was 3 potential tiks
for the low low price of
just one

oh yippy yip
hop skip
and jump
fuuuk

but boner did buy me
a twizzler
to make it all better

like when you are a kid
and you fall and scrap
your knee to shreds
you ball and wail and carry on
then your mom comes out with
a cookie
and then its like
yeah, ummmm
what gaping cut
gimme the cookie bitch

props to da bone

posted by radmad

down and dirty

okay
stat
i'm feeling stressed
i have to get my ass
kicked into high gear
no more messin around
i have a mission
i'm on it
like a fat kid
on a smartie
i need to do this
i need help
no distractions
at least for a bit
till i'm on track
cause this train
is derailed
it's heading full speed
to a fuk'n crashtastrophe
but fear not
i'm gonna grab this
websiteprojecto igotstobuild
by the nuts and berries
and MUNCH

posted by radmad

the disease

robert.
i have to tell you
you are getting uberjiggy
large ass bloatman
huge
i want to prick you
with a pin
so the water pours out

stop eating salt

but you still sing fine
i slide my hand down
my hips slamming
back and forth
to pictures of you

a picture of you

Flicka flicka flicka!
Here you are
Cata cata cata!
Caterpillar girl
Flowing in
And filling up my hopeless heart
Oh never never go
Dust my lemon lies
With powder pink and sweet
The day I stop
Is the day you change
And fly away from me

You flicker
And you're beautiful
You glow inside my head
You hold me hypnotized
I'm mesmerized...

Your flames
The flames that kiss me dead

posted by radmad

Monday, August 09, 2004

crowned

by sunday night
you know
the weekend has officially
kicked you up the ass
when you fall asleep
watching the exorcist

posted by radmad

please make me speak

i want to be smart
and i want you to listen to me
and the whole time think

fuk that chick knows
things
and facts and figures
and what happened there
and how they all felt
and through what eyes they
saw it

and i want you to be
in awe
dazzled
and smirk inside
trying to hide your
amazement
and to wonder how she
learned about that
did she learn it yesterday
and was she biding her time to
impress me?

did she forget she knew
until this very second?

you will want me to say more
because i look so happy
and i want to say things
and not stop
but go on and on
and not have a void moment
when i have
nothing more to say
i want my thoughts
to be infinite
just like pi

posted by radmad

Sunday, August 08, 2004

separated at birth?

www.pixieland.com

posted by radmad

Saturday, August 07, 2004

changerooms in back of store

some guy today
in a makeshift
wanna be badass
trendy
pushin the black getups
and garb
shoppy shop
in west t dot
asked if
i was from brazil

apparantly the tank top
is a bit tricky
and threw the poor boy
for a loop de loop

so i sayz
no sir
i'm a hunderd percentah
mungi
through and through
and today
i'm reprezentin
da west side

werd to ma boozehead brothas
and my crackhead mommas

uh huh

posted by radmad

missing ragdoll report

if you recognize this leg
and know the whereabouts
of the rest of her
bod
please call
555-GIMPLEG

if she has any fashion sense
she was wearing a
pink shiffon dress
with purple
accessories

last seen on Queen West
somewhere between
Madfab and Second Cup

posted by radmad

Friday, August 06, 2004

did i make you cry with my words?

i think one of the best jobs
ever
would be a card writer
for hallmark

you write condolense cards
when you're sad
birthday cards
on days you feel like a
spring chicken
congratulations cards
when you feel like sayin
"hey, waytago man"
and thank you cards
when you give a shit

OR

you can be a crass
bitter
scorned bitch
and write cards
like
this one

you know how when you go
into a public washroom
and the integrity of every stall
has been compromised
and you try to pick
the least disgusting one....

that's how i feel about dating

posted by radmad

can you hear me major tom?

so i stole my dad's chick's car
this morning to drive
into work
it's one of those gross coloured
turquoise Honda's
and it's also pretty old
manual windows and
an ancient radio getup

the station was locked on CBC radio
and i was too lazy to change it
i guess

they were talking about how
marketing companies and how they
have access to all of this personal
information and shit for
the purposes of streamlining
and customizing marketing messages
to different groups in society

and how the broad availability
of public data is encroaching on privacy
because
they can do all this cross reference
shyte
and know what you bought and when
and where you live
and whether or not you
banged that chick you
met at the bar last night
and so on

well anyways
i thought this move
was pretty ballsy...

Reason magazine
a 'zine in the US that writes
about politics and culture and
social issues and blah blah
to make a point,
sent out it's
June issue
with a personalized cover
for each subscriber
with a satellite photo
of the reader's home

no shit

point made!

posted by radmad

Thursday, August 05, 2004

send in the navy

so i've learned as of late
that my body has developed
a monumentally intense
fatally terminal need
for Tim Horton's cookies
the PB & chocolate chipper ones
to be precise.

will someone paleeeeeez
come bring me one...
or 5

i'd go but i's gots the bitch
with me today
and she's all like

"yeah. ummmm if you leave me here
i will make the next five minutes
that you are gone
a living hell for the
other peeps in your office building.
yeah. you just sit the fuk back down
in that chair missy miss"

so the problem herein lies
she'll bark if i leave
and i can't bring her
into the timmy hardon's
so
i'm in a bad bad place right now.

send help

sos

posted by radmad

green eggs and spam

i've been getting alot of miles
out of this shirt
lately

so apparantly my nose is peeling
and peeling
and i can now see the white flakes
when i look down at my keyboard
and my desk
and my knarled up feet

i keep scratchin it with
my clawlike nails
but it's starting to really
fuk'n hurt now

i am alone at work again
for the ninth
or so
day straight
and i'm starting to feel like
no one even knows i'm here
the phone doesn't ring
and the door doesn't open

but kelly knows i'm here
she keeps sending me emails
trying to convince me that i need viagra
to enhance my sexual stamina
and performance
i feel like sending
a little note back
to the effect of

"kelly
chick
i ain't got no dik"

posted by radmad