radmad.ca

so i just walked through
the annoying chaos that is the beaches jazz festival


GO HOME TOURISTS!

i'm not sure

but i think the chihuahua
upstairs
might be involved in some sort
of terrorist activity

and i would give $100
and dedicate a karaoke song
to any person that can spell chihuahua
without looking it up

this is the best invention since string cheese

beach frisbee rules
and it might rule at the party too
if you're lucky


and here are some truths that i had
to defend to my death this week:

- eggs do not have carbs
- chris farley is not funny
- i am not a good person to answer your phone when a new boy calls
- crown royal has no carbs either
- i do not always start my stories by saying "i didn't think i had that much to drink"

yup
that's right
another one

come out and meet radmad
and her friends

featuring...

dank's hot wife
hanstar
jman

and lots more

it sucks when you are dating
boys
and you sometimes get drunk
and can't remember if you told them
that you blog
cause then you're not 100% certain
if you can talk shit
and tell stories
about them

fuk protecting the innocent i say
they're all guilty

but i will

cause some of em
know where i live

i was walking home from the beach
and up one of my neigbours' laneways
there was a fallen seagull

his wing was broke
and he was struggling to balance
and looked in pain and sad

so i called the humane society
who made me call animal control
to "take care of it"

i didn't want to ask what they were going to do
cause i'm pretty sure i knew
i mean it's just a seagull
a dime a dozen
but it hurt to see him
and i think there is no worse fate
than suffering

hello food



left the cottage sunday morn
same sexy dress from friday
same sexy shower from friday

to head to a russian feast
where there was enough food
to feed kirstie alley
and a bunch of us ate for 4 straight hours







sj and radmad
cut some rug
to a live band that played
what we swore was the soundtrack
to Ali G's Borat skits

annnd theya danced
lika ita wuzzz noa budeeees biiiizness



and then something caught
radmad's eye
like a flittering hummingbird
like an excitable jitterbug

like a ballerina on speed

crazy legs
was notorious at this place
for macking the ladies
and strutting his grooves



so what could radmad do

... but move on in

hey ho



girls weekend at the cottage
happened again



we still love eggs

maybe one of us should just raise
a damn chicken already



and there was much less weedage
at the cottage next door
so we parked our hot asses
on the dock
and made the nosey old lady
next door hate us
because we were 20 years less of a bitch
than her
and her husband thought we were juuuust fine



this is what i would not look like
if i never made it onto
canada's next top dork



and she looked into his eyes
and told him her secrets
and he sat there mesmorized
until he decided it was time
to go back to his miserable
dragonfly
wife



who would have thought
that not only can the chicks
up in bobcaygeon outsing me
at my own game
but they out sequin me too
damn them
for thwarting my plans to make it big



guns and roses are alive and well

how to spend your entire weekend
in one dress

by radmad



step #1 - don't take it off
even if you think you need to shower

so far this week



i have bought 3 dresses
5 bottles of wine
and a partridge in a pear tree



i came home from work on wednesday night
and there was yet another car
parked in front of my house
but with it's tail end
overhanging the curb
covering up part of my driveway



so i called parking authority
and they came
and started writing a ticket
when across yonder
some guy on the roof yells "hey that's my car"
then i scream "well nice parking job, it's overhanging my driveway"
so parking guy asks if i still want the ticket issued
given that the guy is across the street
(thank god way up on high)
and i respond with a "yes please"

so then i signed the ticket
and waited patiently for my car
to be keyed

it has not yet been retaliated against

ps. that's pilate playing up there
he's yummy

megan just brought home
lemon and black pepper
flavoured chocolate

it's official
i will eat anything
if it is covered in chocolate

even spice

dank is officially
one of my favourite people ever

i'm not the easiest person to "get"
but he gets me
and then he tells me to fuk off



if i was a bare naked lady

well
i'll never be a lady

so if i was a bare naked trollup

and i had a million dollars
i wouldn't buy him a monkey
or a green dress



i'd buy him a bike
so he could ride it around
and not get me coffee
or a chocolate cake

How to Have Longer Hair

by radmad

step 1: spend $125 on human hair extensions
step 2: spend $80.25 +tip to have them coloured to match
your own newly dyed expresso/mocha locks

and voila

step 3: clip in throughout your head region
and watch miraculously as 3 inches
of additional hair
creeps gently down your back

madison montage

i know it should have some appropriate
mood setting
music playing
in the background
like that home video show

so how bout this...
hum
"she's got a way about her"

and enjoy...











the end

officially sought



turns out party host guy
messages our friend
to say that after we left
a shitload of people showed up
in droves
and they had no idea who they were
or where they came from

then he apologized for being a dik

i'm initiatlly thinking that this is all very fine
and dandy

then i'm thinking that karma
might turn around and bite us on the ass
when i have my radmad jazzy schanaz party
end of july

as long as no one can sing better than me
then i'm okaybeeee

tips to crashing a party

go to the residance party
of a friend's pseudo friend
that she hasn't seen in 5 years
who invites her to his house party
and he's a photographer for city tv
and you figure there will some cool people

arrive at the party
accept the offer made by the host to have
a plastic glass of red wine

stand in the middle of an almost barren living room
so you can hear a girl mention that there
are too many "randoms" at the party

interrupt the conversation and ask if you yourself
are considered a random

understand by her response
and blatent pfffff
that you are

go downstairs to gather up your amies
and talk your way into a another drink
on the way out

before departing
steal all the bags of candy from the bar table

hop into a cab only to hear girly friend
send homeless bloaks to the house party at 5X soho

travel to the madison
where your new friend is a bouncer



and have hanstar announce over piano man's microphone
that there is an after party at 5X soho

hope in your heartest of hearts
that chaos implodes

so dan found this old copy of a magazine

one of the great things about hannah
is that i find new things out about her
every day

oh and my cortisol is officially
higher than imaginable
however
i can start running again
but first

i must nurse this silly hangover

i stole this from sj
because he won't put it up on his blog
because he refuses to deal
with his insane ability to write

so i had my hair coloured last night
and i still have dye on my neck
that i can't get off

then i went for a stand up tan
and i have a goggle strap line
on my forehead

sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone

but today is friday for me
cause i have tomorrow off
but really it should be wednesday
because of the whole monday off
thing

tonight i shall drink some wine
for
oh
the 14th straight day

so me and dan have decided
to become professional bbq party havers

and such is the case
he has suggested we all join AA



well that is an option
or we could just buy shares in LCBO
try Angus cab from Australia
it is good



mockery is the highest form of...
oh just fuk off dank
and get your own self-indulgent, egocentricalistical pose



and hey
even better than joining AA
maybe they would want me to moonlight
teaching drunk asshats how to...

play frisbee
in the sand
in a dress
holding a large glass of red wine
without spilling a drop
by catching it with your eye instead

...class

dan has been bikesitting for a few weeks
cause he just got his motorcycle license
again





and last weekend
he kept coming downstairs
wanting me and meg to send him on a mission
a mission so he could drive around town with purpose

i had spent 3 hours of my day researching for an article
i have to write
and needed a break



so i sent the lad for porn