radmad.ca

when i was just a little girl
my mother did say to me
don't wear much makeup
it will only damage your skin
you are a cute girl as it is
don't try to change that

when i was just a little girl
my mother did say to me
please don't use tampons
they are not very safe
and they may hurt you
pads are much better


when i was just a little girl
my mother did say to me
be kind to others
and always do your best
never give up or think you can't do it
for i know that you can

when i was a bit older girl
my mother did say to me
why are you so quiet
and why do you seek solitude
are you taking drugs my sweet girl
please open up to me

and to my mother i did say
yes mother i'm pretty
i will wear short sweeps of blush
and only a dab of gloss

i know you worry about me mother
but i will feel cleaner
and i will be careful
i just can't wear those big things

i will always try hard mother
and never settle for short of best
i know i may fail
but i will never give up

no mother please trust me
i sniff nothing but flowers
but sometimes i seek shelter
that rest deep in my thoughts
and my quiet times are just that
moments within myself

it started circa 2001
with a little cindy lauper ditty
nine girls in a flashy mexican bar
i was upfront in florescent orange shorts
it was the thing to wear
as our next stop was senior frogs
he had been organizing a foam party
for the ages
we were invited
it was expected that we would come
with bells on
and tight white shirts



since then
i have travelled clear across southwestern ontario
belting out the monotone jives
of lisa loeb, neil diamond, the divinals
and well my kinda fav of the day
sheryl crow

on thursday last
it was no different



i learned early in the night though
there are just some people
no matter how much shorter
and younger
and how the hell did she get into a bar
at age 9?
that you must never
ever
sing right after

her name is carly
no for real
not of the simon surname though
but holy fuk
can this girl belt it out

stewey is a brat
but he's smart
and crafty
and plotting to kill lois

which i can't blame him for
i mean
she is continuously quashing
his plans to control the world

and really
if she cooked any slower
well she wouldn't really be cooking
very fast at all
now would she?

yes
that's right

i went there

have a nice christmas
be good
play nice
and eat LOTS!

and a special christmas wish
to my little sis

i hope you enjoy the last advent chocolate
in the calendar
that you bought for me
but never did manage to GIVE TO ME

enjoy my sweet!

everyone needs someone
at christmas

and people are so nice
extra nice
and thoughtful
and stopping for a moment
to think about what is important
and just being kind

some young chap
called my cell phone this afternoon
he was looking for 'sasha'
i said well this isn't her
he said sorry and hung up

then he sent me a text message
to say merry christmas!

i sent one back

kinda made my day
ya know?

i hope clark finds
the little fuk'r
that he is looking for

so i'm all ready
for the big day
tree is trim
and has been for weeks



winter has decided
to spread it's feathery white joy
all over the streets
and into the air
and it looks real pretty

i stayed cozy today
in my warm appartment
and got all domestic like



yup i made quiches
for the first time ever
and they look damn fine
and there are so many of the little guys
maybe i will leave some for santa
cause truth is
he ain't touching my cookies

yup baked cookies today too
well
kinda
i turned on the oven
tore open the plastic wrap
and slapped them onto a tray
and voila!
instant smile on radmad's pretty face



this is my favourite christmas movie

i'm making everyone that comes within
three feet of me watch it



look out!

we are not responsible for lost
or stolen hours of your life
due to lameness

if you are thinking
of buying that special
loney
sexdeprived
someone
a little something that they will appreciate
and show them that you care

get them a harlequin
or five

and here is my tip

note that i have never actually read one
as i lack sexual deprivation (- + - = +)
i do okay in that department

especially when number 13 scores
rawr

so my tip...

to get the smuttiest
dirtiest
ranchiest
ram jam slam pounder like a fukstar
romance novel
gently place the book of love between your palms
and glide at a medium pace through the pages

try this with a few different titles



the one you find to have
the least number of quotation marks
is a keeper

trust me

wrap with a bow
and shazaam
you have bought the perfect gift

hello out there
we're on the air
it's hockey night tuesday night

tension grows
the whistle blows
and the puck goes down the ice

the goalie jumps
and the players bump
and the fans all go insane

someone roars, "craigy and jeffy score!"
at the good old hockey game

oh, the good old hockey game
is the best game you can name
and the best game you can name
is the good old hockey game

this is Lindy

he sings
and he might twist your cords
eyes wide
and hair fanatical



he played here on sunday night
the cat calls scattered
and bounced off the walls



sparky spark we were ready to hit the floor
on our 16th wind
the weekend had taken it's toll
on our skin
our backs
the firing of our electrodes
within our cerebellum, thalamus and even the parts
that before friday night
had never been sparked

and then came saturday

it was said
that they might be on the fringe
of fanciness



she thought of what that might mean
and she didn't like it
it made her body slump
and slag in devastation
no she didn't like it
not one bit
it's just not true you see
not entirely

why it just couldn't be
for she was full of chic
and style
with a hint of aplombe

and her strong, gentle eyes
looking up at you with velvet grace
made her fancy

things are starting to look
alot like christmas
in the hood



it's it lovely
howard roark would be proud




some things are worth glueing back together

what do you call those words
the ones that sound like what they mean
like buzz
when you say it
it mimicks



kinda like this picture

hmmm

listen to Pink floyd's comfortably numb
then it will be clearer
or foggier

but maybe that is what is meant to happen

holy fuk




i've decided that besides having a mane
of lioness
i need a tape recorder
one of those ones that key execs have
that consume dictation

for pretty little things to translate
and type out
while listening to leather jackets rub
and myles davis in the background
as their multimillion dollar pervert boss
embelashes his thoughts forever in tape

he dictates this
and call that person
and the firm stands behind this
and hides in the shadows behind that
and contributes to the fraud of this
and launders money from that

but she looks hot in her classy brass tank
and her short black skirt
with nylons that slide a black stitch
up the back ala 1945

and is she sexy

but she dictates
and i want her to take my notes

and create a masterpiece
because i want thoughts on paper
in print

sign it in the moonlight
with a silver pen

i want her job
chris isaak's assistant
yola
on his show
i want her job

cause i'd be fuk'n good at it
i'm assertive
and pushy
and organized
and a musical fanatic

and the proof is in our master plan
to become musical neurotics
cause that's our schtick

it is all based on my musical fascination
and my lyrical junkiness

i'm naturally attracted to the industry
to the field
it's my calling

what the fuk i say
the city and it's surrounding
burbs
are outta stock

but i do have to say
nostalgia kinda nibbled on my ear
and threw crumbs in my path
when i saw this little tykes
back in action

i'm glad

i had one
she was black
or african american
or supremely tanned
anyway her name was adrienne dulcene

and i still have her
but i need a new one
for da judge's cutie petutie niece

so i gots to find one
please find one

my hands smell of fish
my room will soon be scented
my breath exuding a hint
and my belly screaming in pleasure

as a young bitty
i never ate the stuff
the thought of inhaling those beasts
with their beaty eyes and course skin
but apres visiting the east coast
of canader
i became an addict

consuming nearly 6 servings per week
i too am able to stay underwater for hours
and i forget everything i learned in school

five seconds remaining



can you hear me major tom
can you hear me major tom
can you hear me

what ever happened to commander tom
and his world
that only existed on sunday mornings
when i was small

what happened to lietenant dan?
oh yes
he was shot
by mel gibson
for trying to steal his son for money
shame that he got good legs
and then became shot

this is shotty
the shower bellows and the dishwasher squaks
i hope they are not in kahoots
or i shall hear a scream

i am going here tonight
should i dress pretty?
should i dress in black?
should i be funky?
or should i be crass?
should i be dorky
with a bit of sass?
maybe i'll wear sunglasses and say
"fuk your ass"

there becomes a moment
in every little girls life
where she realizes that
she is good

and she is strong
and
where she used to be afraid to say no
or to look into the eyes of a stranger
or she would try to appease everyone
for fear that they won't like her

with strength comes respect
and courage and gall
and a love of yourself

and none of this is possible
without a role model

every little girl must own a barbie

yeah
a stroke of the well endowed male dancer's
package of joy

good for you alice

fuk velma and thelma

although
i hope now you aren't screwed
for a ride home

these are my new ubertrendy
hotsnappy mclookatthemanddrool boots

my guy bought them for me
cause i loved them so much
more than cookies for a sec even

so he looked them up on the net
other than where i got them

secret

you can get them somewheres in europe
or maybe at your neighbourhood payless
i dunno

but anyways they're cool
and warm
and made of horse hair

i call them seabiscuit