radmad.ca

sometimes people disappoint me
as i must disappoint them
i'm sure

but fuk
some things you just learn in kindergarden

then there are those things that you learn
yourself
like the day i was a little shit
borderline eight years young
and i was in the library
shuffling along in a dress no doubt
cause that's what my mom made me wear
right into grade seven
then it became a treat to wear pants
sometimes when it was cold i would wear
pants under my skirt.

wonder i grew up with even a semblance of style

anyway
in said library
i wandered over to the juvenile section
and fingered my way through the naughty books

i found a flat 8" square picture book
that had a green cover
and two little grownups on the front
they were cartoony sketched
and when you opened up the book
they became naked

at age 8 it became a fine time
to learn
all about the bits and pieces of the human body
i was an adult trapped in a little girl's form

it was the first memory of my budding sexuality

hmmmm
so
this weekend

yes. this weekend.

let me just say this
and not much more

i shall post this picture
so that the tenants in my building
and in my immediate neighbourhood even
can recognize me

with my clothes on.

oh alice
your cork pleases me
when the wine is done
much like it always is
there comes a time
when one must chomp down

and wonder why her nose
has a shiny white glow
like matilda, or melinda
or sue
the teenage witch

this weekend will be action packed
ac
shun
pact

first off i'm gonna wish my smellycat a
joyous birthday
and tell her that she is still the prettiest
girl i know
and that i'm glad she borrowed my typing paper
in grade 9
and that i'm glad she still thinks i'm pretty cool
despite my nerdiness

then i'm gonna try to organize a threesome with this guy



i don't think i'm gonna invite him to omelete sunday though
there's just not going to be enough to share
especially since we discovered bacon on the georgie f

then i'm gonna walk with cock down queen west again
because we are yappy
and we meet people
people like Tao who owns a vintage shop
where i bought the green 40's hat
and he told us
we would love living in a loft, the candy ones
or maybe just think it but give us some good leads anyway

or people like the guy that promised to email me
the deets of a chick he knows that instructs yoga
so i can be all stretchy
and flexible
like a twizzler

and yeah
this weekend i'm gonna piss off mr. variety store man
by sweeping him clear outta twizzler stock
again

but first i have to go back to dumb trendy clothing store
cause mean manager girl was so busy yelling
at the trainee new guy
that she forgot to remove my theft tag
argh
i should get something freeeeee
for having to go out of my way
like the $68 brown plaid pants that looked smack on me

maybe they will give me a stupid cheap t-shirt
but maybe also my cock will read this
and see that i didn't buy the pants
cause i wanted to make sure i had
lots of money left over this for the

weekend
of
fun!

in other vanity news
i wanna find a leather belt
that has a big badass belt buckle
to nustle against my belly

oh and i'm officially addicted
to cottage cheese

just like me...
the resemblance is striking
smart
wonky
with a penchant for creating a few theories
of her very own

i think there are angels out there
and mine is a man born circa 1930

he passes me every morning in the dark
and waves a happy hello
and asks me the same questions
"where is your little friend?"
"hey, wait up"
"have a nice day!"

he chooses which one to ask
but it is only ever one of the above
and i say things back
i say long things
thought out conversation things
as i fly by
but he never hears me
even when i'm right there
he just nods and smiles
always smiles

his gait is meticulous and timed perfectly
yet i can almost see him fly ahead to make sure
he can still see me
keep me close to make sure the darkness doesn't
steal me away

he makes me feel safe
i shouldn't though
i am surrounded by murder and mayhem and disaster

he is my angel
i will call him sebastian

Dear Mr. Ikea,

hello.

you are a genious
no really
i am not patronizing you
i mean it in a genuinely affectionate way

me and me cock came by last night

we love what you have done with the place
we initially came for the candlelight
to build our romantic empire

and there your were again
enticing and luring us further in
we wanted this
and that and that goes so pretty with that
we wondered if it would be okay to stay over
but we weren't really invited

what we thought would be pennies spent
turned into queen lizzies
but that's okay
because it's partly my fault
i thought that pretty flower in the glass
needed room to grow

and now we have a nice fluffy orange cloud
to bounce on when we drift out of the shower
and our floors will be sparkly for not bringing
in the flakes of winterness

so thank you
mr ikea
thank you not only for the romance
but for making our lives better

it's been a few years
but i gave good 'ol conformity the finger
on the weekend
goodbye darling little schoolgirl in the front row
hello hellian detention getter in the back

fuk it's almost real life size
meh
laziness to fix has set in and pulled up a chair
and started eating the rest of my chocolate covered
almonds
so
big it is.

some days the world is at your command
beckoning to your calls
waiting on your every breath
raining because it is washing away yesteryear's dust
i found out something cool today
apparantly cause my pops was born in Scotland
i can get a duel citizenship across the pond
maybe i could visit one day
and grow an accent
maybe
every day should be full of maybe's

yeah that flower needed more room to grow

sometimes i'm too engrossed

please
don't be disrespectful to the girl
he slapped the girl in the face
without even making contact
she came close to falling
she swayed a bit
back and forth
but the forces within her
kept her feet planted
and her face still remained just as pretty as the rest

i saw it on a billboard once
i liked it better when they used to advertise
luxery

her sharp chin dangled low
but her eyes looked up
with wide brilliance
yet shy
hands cupped around her ears
she didn't want to hear another patsy cline song
she wanted the sugar
cause she was the spice
they would smoke in the front seat
of the butterscotch ford cougar
the little girls fought to sit in the back
because the other kids wouldn't see them
as the slouched low
below the windows
when they smoked she pulled her shirt
high over her nose
to keep the stinkiness out
but her lungs became brown and gross anyways
jerry springer is making our hearts brown
and gross
that is true pain and sadness
not that there is a story to tell
but the fact that there is someone listening
strange that we all started small
and innocent
and darling
then we all went separate ways
the longer the road between me and them
the better

smoking doesn't just kill
it makes her crabby

in my opinion
cloning is nothing more
than man's ability
to make reproduction
un fun



if there's no penetration
and there's no chance for orgasm
than what the fuk is worth
enduring the pain of childbirth,
the annoyance of another mouth to feed
and the having to drive your fuk'n offspring
to their friend's house because his mom
makes better cookies than you do

gluttonis consumption of pumpkin pie
did not impede my ability
to be a balderdash champion
for those of you who couldn't see
that far in the distance
i was the orange man

did you not know that
glossanthrax
is a sealant used on aluminum to protect
against oxidation
you didn't eh?
well although it sounds fuk'n right on
it's not
it's a lie
a good one
just like my victory
a good won

eat it.

oh yeah and i also ate one pound of chocolate
which seems to be slowing me down a bit today
i won't be eating again until thursday

and in other animal news...



today i am enduring
the most uncomfortable
numbing
camel toe EVER

my wonderful boss
went to vancouver
and brought me back the tiniest skirt
EVER

actually it's a skort
eeek
yeah well it is
and it has an undie pant lining
hence the excrusiation

the size says M/L in the back
i tried it on and i says to her
what the fuk chick?
this thing is not even close to a medium
"uh yeah, i bought it in this little
japanese store. isn't it hot?"

so it's a girly japanese size
nuff said

poor goat

if i could learn one thing
today and tomorrow
and more importantly yesterday

it would be to live in the moment
to let exhume me and wrap me up
in a tiny package
sealed tight for freshness

so that i could open it up
some time later in the future
and it would still be fresh

seems my mind has always moved
at a faster pace than my world
around me
i want to remember more things
the sounds, the smells, the thoughts
and the feelings
yeah mostly the feelings

i try to do that now
but seems like part of my life is a blur

but i am more conscious now
more awake
i breathe in and hold the exhale

so i'm the proud owner of a hot hubcap
with a swift yank and a low arm
it entered the sunbird with haste
and we drove like the bandits we were

but it looks darling
fits like a glove
and she's getting along famously
with her three new friends

some days i am such a little girl
a suck
if i had a little blanky i might hold it
tight
i get scared of being hurt
like wearing long pants and a sweater
when i ride my bike
so if i fall i won't scrape
or now i stay by myself
because i'm a silly girl

i used to bite my nails
the ones on my toes
cause i was so nervous and anxious
when my fingers became raw
i found other ways to release it all

i get moody sometimes
but it's not because i'm miserable
or sad
it's out of my control
fuk'n hormones i guess
lame
i despise women who are so weak as to blame

i was angry today at nothing
the couple sitting next to me
the boring offering
the hunger ate me

i am sorry
i love you and your patience
please don't ever give up
on me

i know all the words
to Don McLean's American Pie

this is danny michel
me and the cock are going tonight
to the Horseshoe Bar & Tavern
to kick back some crown & D's
and let him entertain us

yup
he's pretty damn
ummmmm arsesome

we saw him perform before
he played just for us even
in some little restaurant
slash bar
in Hamilton
we were the only ones there
at a little black table
with candlelight cancading across the room
eating curried rice and chicken
over a bottle of cabernet
while he warmed up with a few tunes

i wonder how we can annoy him again tonight...